a place to put random discourses on life
I was pretty messed up.
Published on October 4, 2005 By lifehappens In Blogging
After delving into the darkest regions of my past, I couldn't get to sleep. So here I am, trying to clear th cobwebs away.

There is part of my life, where I had just entered into foster care and my life blurred. I dont' remember a lot of that time in my life. There are a few events that really stand out. But for the most part I have let that part of my life fade away. I was so scared and so unhappy that I did a lot of things that probably made everything worse. I was a troubled child who didn't know what do do or who to trust.

But the reason I can't sleep is I wish I had treated some people differently. I wish I thanked some of the bit players in that scene and respected the stage hands who were only trying to help. Looking back I see that time in a different perspective. I understand why my foster parents where ready to give up on me. I was a difficult and disruptive child who lashed out at everyone out of fear and distrust. It's easy to remember the hurt and pain, but when I suddenly realize that my perspective was just as warpped as my mothers.....well, I wish I could go back and change some things.

I wish I had treated my therapist with more respect. I don't remember her name, but she was young, mid 20s at most. our first few meetings, she tried to gain my trust by meeting with me at an ice cream shop by the lake. It was a nice little place and I don't remember much of our conversation, but I liked her. That scared me, so that night at home, I told my foster parents something rude about how "she was fake and dumb and trying to bribe me". Of course, the ice cream talks dissapeared shortly after that. I wish I could go back to her and tell her I'm sorry. That when I go home, I see that Ice cream shop and I think of her and how she was honestly trying to be nice to me.....and I'm sorry to have hurt her. I know I did because I remember the look in her eyes and realizing I had changed everything. i don't think she ever trusted me after that. I still feel bad about that....about the fact I could be so mean to someone else.

I wish I had thanked the Child Advocate who took me to my appointments. My parents couldnt' see me yet and my foster parents couldn't take me the 1 1/2 hour to each appointment. So this little white haired old lady and her husband woudl pick me up and wait with me in the green, Air Force hospital hallways, and take me home again. She was so sweet and kind. She didn't have to be. She could have just been a taxi, but she smiled and told me about her grandkids. She was always working on a knitted coverlet. It was made out of thin, fine white thread that was in loops and whorls. She taught me what to do and let me work on a square while I waited. I know I probably messed it up and she may have unstiched the part I worked on, but I've never forgotten how kind she was to me. She made all the difference and I dont' think I ever thanked her. I wish I had. She made all the difference in a hard time.

I've never really told anyone about this, but since I can't get it off my mind....here goes. One night, my father sat us down and told us that he and my mother were getting divorced. I still remember sitting on his bed feeling a sense of shock. The trip back to the foster home was a blur. In fact the next real memory I have is that of my foster mother coming upstairs that night to tell me they didn't want me anymore. I was too hard to deal with and I was going to go to a group home the next day. The misery I felt at that moment is hard to top. I felt as though I was abandoned by everyone who ever said they cared about me. I was sobbing so uncontrolably that I think I scared my foster mom. When I finally told her what had happened, she said they would let me stay a little longer. i've always wondered what woudl have happened if my father hadn't told me that night. Would they have recanted their decision? What would have happened to me?

As I have grown up, I can look back and see my life from a different perspective. I still remember the feelings of inadaquacy, slef-rightous anger, fear, regection and failure that filled my childhood, but now i also see that I wasn't the hurt little girl I felt like. i was a troublesome girl who was not easy to deal with. I remember feeling like nobody understood me and that I was unfairly picked on. I also see that I probably drove them crazy with everything I did. I don't remember if I talked back or broke rules. I do remember that it always seemed like I was in trouble and never understood why. I was always out of sync with normal and could never get back on track.

So what's the point of all this? I guess I had to get it out of my head so I can sleep, but in the bigger picture, I suppose I just have to admit it. That way maybe I will learn from it. Maybe I will react with compasion when dealing with my kids, maybe I'll understand my kids when they are pre-teens and teenagers. Maybe not, but I can hope I won't screw them up too much.

I guess I'll know in 30 years when they write the tell-all book.






Comments
on Oct 04, 2005
LH--

I am sorry you went through this as a kid. I too went through some things of this nature, and thanks to CPS was taken from a horrible situation (but they left my brother--ugh and he's paid dearly)...

I don't know how old you are but the fact this keeps you up occasionally at night means it is not resloved. I will tell you some of the things I've learned over the years that may help you, or may not.

First, the past is over. You were a kid, and no matter how old you were, your maturity level was not what it should be (because of the abuse). The caring adults around you knew this. Don't feel guilty about not having adult reactions/mature reactions to people who tried to care about you when you were hurting. You can love someone and still not be emotionally capable of "taking care" of them (ie, foster parents).

Second, that life formed who you are today to a large degree. But now you are the master of your future. Every move you make, every breath you take, that is all there for your choosing!

Third, don't let the people who have hurt you in the past hurt your future. Don't give them that kind of control. Every time you dwell on them and the pain they caused you, they win. Don't let them win.

Fourth, and this one you may not like......have you considered God? I know it sounds cliche and weak, but who cares how it sounds? I can only describe it this way, sorry if it sounds corny. You have damage inside your heart, mind, and soul. Some of it you can work around, and some you can live with. But the damage to your soul, to your core, you can't fix it. Sure you can be the walking wounded the rest of your life, but what life is that?

Now I am not preaching to you as some "I am so good, look at me" kinda place. The part of me that needed the most healing was untouchable by human hands...heck when I started my journey I was rolling my eyes at God and saying "yeah right like you can help me now? Where were you when all this went down?"

I didn't hold out much hope but was at the point I was willing to try anything. I expected nothing but what I receieved was my soul back and in tact. Do I still think about my childhood? Sure. But now not with any angst at all. No regrets. No sorrow. No price. I know it sounds as foolishness to those who don't believe, but I don't care. I'm whole.

And God did answer my question about "Where were you all that time." He was right there beside me...He got me through it, to bring me to the place I am now. And my childhood, despite its unpleasantness, has served me well in this life.

Once you get to a point where your past no longer controls you by haunting you, you can use the muscles it built (though you may not think you are strong now, but that is because you carry this, but when you put it down you will see all kinds of strength attributes you have that were being used to carry this baggage. And then when you appply those strengths to your future, to your present, watch out world!)

The last thing I can pass on to you is this. The only thing keeping you from all that you want to accomplish in life is.......you. When you start believing that BECAUSE OF your past you can do this and do that, do anything, you will see glittering roads appear where there was only darkness and uncertainty before!

Good luck and please don't think I am giving advice where it is not wanted. We have some past things in common and I am sharing how I overcame them. If any of it helps, great. If not, that's ok too.

Have a good one.

T
on Oct 04, 2005
D:

I'm sorry you've had such a crappy childhood. NO child should have to experience the things you've expereinced....especially not at the hands of 'responsible' adults.

Thing is, chickie, you've come a long way snce then. You've made a heck of a life for yourself...and I think that THAT'S the biggest, more sincere thank you you could ever give those who tried to help you when you were a kid.

I honestly think that you're beating yourself up for no good reason.....I really don't think that apologies are necessary. Your therapist was new to her profession, and you had a very good reason to not trust her...it was a learning experience for both of you, and she, if she met you today, would probably thank YOU for showing her how NOT to try and gain a child's trust.

My meditation this morning will be to ask the universe to give you peace over this. Namsate, my friend.
on Oct 04, 2005
Tova-Thanks for the advice and I do take it to heart.
the fact this keeps you up occasionally at night means it is not resloved

i deal with any lingering issues as they come up...I got started thinking about CPS and the people involved when I wrote "An Open Letter to Gideon"
Link The big issues are resolved, but occasionally my mind will dredge something up. If I deal with it, accept it and decide to learn from it, it's done. So this blog was created....kind of my way to restore balance to my little corner of the world.

that life formed who you are today to a large degree

HW told me that he was sorry that I had to go through all that. But, I think it made me a stronger person. I wouldn't have been me if that had been erased. So, I agree with you 100%....what I make of it is my choice and all I have the the future.

Third, don't let the people who have hurt you in the past hurt your future. Don't give them that kind of control. Every time you dwell on them and the pain they caused you, they win. Don't let them win.

It's funny you should say this. This was the hardest lesson for me to learn. For years, just the thought of my mother calling could make me start doubting myslef and crying. Fortunately HW was around. I honestly don't think I ever would have been able to keep from drowning if it had not been for him. And this is EXACTLY what he would tell me.

He got me through it, to bring me to the place I am now. And my childhood, despite its unpleasantness, has served me well in this life.

God played a large part in my healing process. I didn't see it as that at the time, but I do realize that He was a source of comfort when I didn't have faith in myself. Once again, you are right on track. Without the unpleasant and painful, how would we learn and grow? I used to joke that when we had kids, I would do great....because I knew what NOT to do!

So I thank you for your comments and concern. It sounds as though you have made peace with your past and look forward to each new day.
on Oct 04, 2005
You've made a heck of a life for yourself...and I think that THAT'S the biggest, more sincere thank you you could ever give those who tried to help you when you were a kid.

Thanks. I think that is true. Although I will never tell them in person, I'm glad I got a chance to say it here. Gratitide feels better when you actually say the words.

honestly think that you're beating yourself up for no good reason.....I really don't think that apologies are necessary

I may have come across as more desperate than I actually am. The intensity of my feelings here is mostly in the past, regurgitated on the page. I'm not beating myself up, but just as gratitude has more power when actually spoken, apologies carry more weight when expressed. I've never told anyone this stuff before so when I am cleaning the cobwebs out, it's not beating myself up....I'm just restoring order, even if they never hear it....I said it and admited it. I'll probably never dream of that again now that I made peace with myself.

Namsate, my friend

Namaste, Karen and thank you.

on Oct 04, 2005
LH:

Any chance of tracking down any of those people and sending them a note of thanks--I'm sure it would make their day, and might help you as well.
on Oct 04, 2005
You have already taken that important step in resolving the troubling issues of your youth through the acknowledgement that if you had acted more appropriately, you might have been spared much of the misery and pain.That of course is the beauty of hindsight. We encounter these precious moments of clarity with a deep sense of remorse when we see the true gift, such as it was, when others reached out to help.Pain, pride and anger mixed with the huge fear of being discovered as less than others, makes us lash out with lies that bolster our ego and continue our selfdeception. The good thing is that if we survive this tragic formative beginning we can become better human beings because we walked that mile. If you want to make amends for those that tried by you then do so by reaching across to another and in so doing put those ghosts to rest. Offer a prayer and remember them.
on Oct 04, 2005
Any chance of tracking down any of those people and sending them a note of thanks--I'm sure it would make their day, and might help you as well.


1-I was seen at an Air Force Facility that has been closed since 96. All medical records pertaining to mental health are sealed. 2-I don't remember names. (Fatal flaw of mine...I mentioned it way back at the start of my blogs hereLink) So while I had thought of that....joeing about it was the next best thing.

That of course is the beauty of hindsight. We encounter these precious moments of clarity with a deep sense of remorse when we see the true gift, such as it was, when others reached out to help.Pain, pride and anger mixed with the huge fear of being discovered as less than others, makes us lash out with lies that bolster our ego and continue our selfdeception. The good thing is that if we survive this tragic formative beginning we can become better human beings because we walked that mile

Wow. Get a blog and write. (said in all sincerity) You said it better than I ever could.

But I have a confession to make here guys. I'm not beating myself up. No. No self mutilation or ritual hari kari goin' on here. i've made my peace, but even in the most peaceful water, ripples of the past linger on. Not as much pain as reflections of what once was. Not being afraid to face the past means we can have that 20/20 hindsight and learn from our mistakes. That being said. My mother doesn't know about my Joe habit.....and now....probably never will. I'm not quite THAT at peace with the world as it exists today.
on Oct 04, 2005
1-I was seen at an Air Force Facility that has been closed since 96. All medical records pertaining to mental health are sealed. 2-I don't remember names. (Fatal flaw of mine...I mentioned it way back at the start of my blogs hereLink) So while I had thought of that....joeing about it was the next best thing.


Oh well. It was just a thought.

I'm glad to hear you've made your peace
on Oct 04, 2005
Shades of Grey, i do appreciate your advice and I didn't want to apear to not take it seriously. Thank you for your sincere offer of a way to gain closure. I appreciate it.
on Oct 06, 2005
LH, thanks for sharing your past. From all that you have experienced you have turned out to be the wonderful person you are today. It is good to come to terms with yourself and look back at it all not so much with regrets (although you have a few) but with more understanding for what you went through.

I don't think you'll screw your kids up at all! Now perhaps you can finally sleep peacefully!