a place to put random discourses on life
A sad reminder of separation
Published on February 4, 2005 By lifehappens In Personal Relationships
One of the hardest things about being a parent is seeing your child hurting and not being able to do anything about it. Whether it is a fall that scraped their knees or a heartache that crushed their spirit, a parent can only do so much. After that, the feeling of helplessness is difficult to face.

I just had a taste of what is to come as my children grow up.

Every morning, my son points out his Dad's truck. Until recently, it has been said with a mixture of pride and envy. "That's DAD's truck! Connor have a BIG truck too?" the last two days have been progressively worse.

"That's Dad's truck."

"Where is Daddy?" "He is in Iraq, sweetie. He will be home later".

"NO. Go to Orport (Airport). Get Daddy" " We can't do that today. We will do that LATER."

Huge wracking sobs and tears ensue. Nothing I say makes it better. In fact, I wonder if he thinks I not letting him see his Daddy. I have used the same line when he wants to watch TV. "not now...you can______later."
Through all the previous deployments, he has not really understood the coming and going of his father. He was a little upset when a strange guy came and started sleeping in Mom's bed, but he got used to dad being home fairly quickly. The next time, it ony took minutes him to realize that this guy was dad. The next time was only moments. Unfortunately, he is getting faster at missing Dad too. The first few deployments he didn't seem to notice or understand why Mommy was sad. Then he understood, but he wasn't upset. Now, when I am finally calm and happy in anticipation to the reunion....he understands.

And there is nothing I can to do help him. We look at photos and talk online. He sees Dad in video confrences. We talk about the big party when Dad is back. But he is stil heartbroken and all I can do is hug him. That isn't enough to make it better though.

I've noticed that the more upset he gets about Dad being gone, the more he clings to me. He used to run to preschool without looking back, never said goodbye, never cried. Now he is afraid to have me leave. When we go somewhere, he has to hold my hand or he will collapse on the ground in tears.

It breaks my heart that my brave little boy is learning that the world is a hard place and that like his dad, we sometimes have to walk the hard road without the ones we love.

Comments
on Feb 04, 2005
It is a hard thing to learn. Life is not always easy. My heart goes out to you, your hubby and all the little ones who can't yet understand the separations that keep loved ones at a distance. I believe that with the values that you have shown in your writings that you are preparing your child to face life bravely albeit with understandable sadness. Courage to you!
on Feb 04, 2005
Almost sounds like he is afraid that you'll go away too. Do you know the date when dad will be home? If you do maybe you could get out a calendar and count the days away. It might help to see that it is getting closer and 'later' has a set time to it. Or not, I'm not a parent...
on Feb 04, 2005
Ouch thats rough.. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you...
on Feb 04, 2005
Almost sounds like he is afraid that you'll go away too. Do you know the date when dad will be home? If you do maybe you could get out a calendar and count the days away. It might help to see that it is getting closer and 'later' has a set time to it. Or not, I'm not a parent...


Danny, that's exactly what it sounds like to me, too. I think the countdown would work... if Life could guarantee that Wandered would be back on a certain date. Even if it looks like his unit won't be extended (I said it, but I'm definitely hoping against it; I want to see HW and QZ and Jennifer and all the others back safe and sound), he might miss the exact date by even a week. I wouldn't want to tell him, "Daddy will be home tomorrow!" and have it not come true.

Life, keep reassuring him that you'll see him after school, giving him as-close-to-definite times that you'll be back.

And, Danny, none of us were parents, once upon a time...
on Feb 04, 2005
i hope the rest of the time goes quickly for you all. give him a hug from his aunt mamie, too.
on Feb 04, 2005
Everyone,Thanks for the support.

Danny...I think that is a great idea and for many separations it has worked...just not this time. But you have a good head on your shoulders...that will come in handy when you are a dad one day.

Mamie, Thanks. He still asks when we can go to "grey house"...I think he misses you too.

HW, When you read this. I'm sorry that my "Discourses" was less uplifting today. I kind of had to get this off my chest. Just remember that you will be home soon and be able to bond with boy. At least you don't have to worry that he forgot you....I suppose that's a good way of looking at it.