So thanks to everyone who helped me with my minor breakdown on Monday. A little sleep and a few days helped me put life in perspective.
Things I have realized....
!: Celebrating Christmas is a good idea. Last year, I started the whole tradition of reading a scripture and hanging a nativity ornament every night. I kicked that off tonight and it was really nice to do that. i invited the missionaries over to help decorate my tree and realized how much I love decorating. Every ornament has a memory attached to it. i spent most of the time unwrapping the ornaments and telling the stories as they decorated. So Christmas is on. Thanks for the encouragement.
2: There is a silver lining. i tried hard to come up with one good thing about this whole miserable situation and I came up with one lame thing. I have the whole bed to myself. Or to be more exact, my daughter and I have the bed to ourselves. our bed really isn't big enough for 3 people and I was not sleeping very well because I worried about Matt squishing Madeline. (He never even came close, but still...) So it's easier to co-sleep and nurse with fewer people in bed. Plus she doesn't snore nearly as loud as Matt. Although, I kind of miss the snoring....
3. I realized to my dismay that I am feeling better because life is back to normal. Normal being alone. That's very depressing, but it's still the fact. Aside from a few visits and a few months this past spring, I have been alone for 2 1/2 years. Matt has been gone due to 18 hour nightshifts for 6 months or Korea or BNOC or Iraq.....As sad as it sounds, I am feeling better because I am back in the same old routine, albeit with an extra kid, but it's the same old thing. i get up and IM Matt and then go about doing whatever I have planned for the day. Connor is adjusting to having Dad gone too. He is back to "talking" to Dad on the computer (We have video but no voice on Matt's end) It sucks that he is gone so much but I suppose this could be a silver lining too. Depressing, but silver.
So life is back to whatever normal passes for in my reality. I think that routines and habits are the key to pushing through another 4 or 5 months.