My own personnal whine session
So I'm sitting here wallowing in my own misery. If you don't want to hear me complain, then stop reading now because the way I am feeling now...it probably won't be pretty.
Matt left again this morning.
I feel like I am going to break. Everything hurts and I just want to crawl into bed and sob. I'm not scared because I am alone again. I'm not worried that I can't deal with it. I'm miserable because I know I wil get through this once again, but I just don't want to. I don't want to be so happy when he comes home and then so completely miserable when he leaves. I dont' want to feel like this..my head hurts and I want to ...oh I don't know what I want. i just wish it didn't hurt so much to have him leave.
The last few days he was home was so hard because I would look at the clock and unconsiously figure out how much time we had left. It was like waiting for my own execution. I didn't want to break down, because that would just make it harder on him (I did a couple times) Mostly I just tried to distract myself when I got too happy. or else I would notice how much fun Matt and Connor were having together...and that would lead to thoughts of how much Matt was going to miss once again. If I saw him holding his daughter I would be unable to stop myself from thinking how he wouldn't be able to do that anymore.
Even when I WASN'T happy, thoughts would seep in. Our daughter was crying from midnight till 3 am and he managed to sleep through it. I was pissed that he didn't wake up and help me, but then I would think that it doesn't really matter, he's leaving the day after tomorrow and then I won't have any help. I know that it was stupid to be irritated about that...that is the reason I DIDN'T wake him up....I was irrational from lack of sleep.
And now, even with two kids, the house seems empty. It hurts to walk into a room and see something he left out. The house sound empty without his music and voice filling it up. I tried playing some music, but it all sounded depressing or obnoxious. Nothing is right anymore.
I hate midtour as much as I love it. I wait impatiently for the day I can see my husband again, but then when he leaves, it's almost harder than it's worth. And as stupid as it sounds, I am dreading the next deployment already. He isn't even gone 24 hours and I am already upset about the fact that even when he does come home in the spring, I will only have a year before they leave again.
I worry that being sad because he is gone will push me over the edge into post partum depression. I know that usually I feel better after I clean the house and stay busy for a week or two. It is gradual, but I usually get better. This time I worry that it won't.
He kept reminding me that it will be okay and that I can do this, but I still worry about depression. I feel like I will never be happy agian and it hurts so much.
After he walked through the gate, I took Connor to the main window to see the plane and we saw Matt boarding. I kept my cool and didn't cry, but when we got to the car and Connor asked why Dad wasn't with us, I lost it and sobbed. He was so upset that he made me cry and told me "I sorry Mommy. No crying." I am trying so hard to not make him sad too, but it is darn near impossible not to cry when he asks when Daddy is coming back or if we can go to the airport to get Daddy. I want to be a good mom...I just have to hold it together for his sake.
So all my bravado about how I can do this just when through the window. I don't care if I can do it or not. I just don't want to have to do it anymore or ever again. and unfortunately, that is the one thing that I can't change, it's part of our life for at least the next few years. I guess I was spoiled for so long (no long deployments from Nov 99-Dec 02) that having 2 year-long deployments back to back and the looming threat of another one is just more than I want to deal with. Life sucks sometimes.