So tonight was the last day that Trapeze-experience was going to be in Austin. I was signed up for the very last class at 7 pm. A friend of mine was bringing a friend from out of town with us to fly as well.
We all loaded into her little bitty car. The kids and I crammed into the back seat. For those who don't know or don't' remember, I was in a fairly serious car wreck about a year ago. My back still spasms and aches if I am in a car too long.
A tiny back seat is NOT the best way to travel. Especially next to a wiggly boy or (as I tried on the return trip) a overly large car seat. I'm not feeling so hot right now. I hear drugs and clean sheets calling my name, but I'll finish my whine before I leave.
We were about 1/4 mile from the site and the sky opened. Pouring rain in buckets. Lightning strikes VERY nearby. I could feel a sinking in my gut....there was no class. There was no possible chance.
Not only that, but I was STARVING. After another hour of fighting rush hour, in the flash flood quality rain, we arrived at an overpriced sit down restaurant. My kids were antsy because of being cooped up in the car with no relief and everything on the meal was more than I really wanted to pay. At least I was prepared with food for them. I hate paying for food that I know they won't eat. sigh. It wasn't bad but I am hyper sensitive to how noisy my kids are...especially in a quiet, subdued restaurant (La Madeleine) with small groups whispering or lone diners reading....
I just feel out of whack. I am in a different classification of friends. The girl from out of town is newly single, no kids. My friend is married, geobacholorette and no kids. And there I am....constantly shushing my kids, worrying about them bothering other people....feeling my patience shorten more and more.
I'm feeling at the end of my rope. It probably has more to do with the fact that I was in a car, anxious about driving in the rain, stressed about my kids and being at arms length for 6 hours non-stop, than it did with the whole let down about not getting to fly.
My back hurts. I am sore and tired. I am physically tired, which is one reason I decided to be the 3rd wheel on the drive down. I know I would be too tired to drive safely home. But I'm also tired of my kids.
That's right. I said it. I'm getting burnt out. I'm tired of my adorable, fantastic, amazing kids. Yeah, 99% of the time they make me happy. But they are a drain on my brain power and my ability to relax. the 1 % of the time when they are being obnoxious, I can feel my lifespan shortening. I can feel my patience disappear. I admit it. I can't stand a whiny kid (I don't count, I'm an adult). My 2 1/2 year old whines and cries EVERY SINGLE time she gets told no. EVERY SINGLE time she doesn't get her way. She has a low grade, whimpery whine that makes me want to have her vocal cords removed. I can't stand to be anywhere near her when she does that.....and NOTHING makes her stop. I tried the love but firm route, the distraction, the threats etc etc. My ONLY solution is to remove myself so I don't lose what little patience I have left and smack her.
Boy is almost as frustrating with his sound effects. Imagine the most annoying sound. Now listen to it ALL DAY LONG. Even when I remind him that sound effects are ONLY in his room, he forgets. Suddenly, in church or in a quiet restaurant, NEEEERRRRRRRWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *breathe*
I wish I could let go and let someone else worry for a while. I want to run away for just a bit. The problem is, even when I am not actually physically with them, I worry. I have to watch the clock like a hawk at the gym or I get yelled at for leaving them 5 min over my allotted time. i have to worry about the reports the come back when I pick them up from a play date etc etc. There is no relief. I can't sleep in or take a bath without a kid trying to join me. I have a million things to do. A house to clean, repair projects to finish, clients, church and work schedules to juggle, taxes to file, papers to track down, people to deal with, lawns to mow, cars and houses to fix. I have to worry about staying in the top ten here too.
I do love my kids. I just need to not be in charge for a few minutes. I need to be able to lean into the arms of a strong guy and have him whisper in my ear how much he loves me. I need him to hold me and tell me that it will be okay, that I don't' have to worry about it anymore. I need to have him kiss me and squeeze me and help me let go. But it's a long time till he will be here.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.