Can I pout?
What if I stomp my foot on the ground?
How about I throw myself to the floor, kick and scream and wail at the top of my lungs until I am blue in the face?
Well, it works for kids, but I suppose I'm out of luck. I can whine and cry all I want but the inevitable truth will always be out there. The is nothing I can do.
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT!
I'm only *wail* 29 *whine*!!!! I refuse to grow up and "act my age". I don't care what people think. I don't care how much grey hair I have....I AM NOT GROWING UP!
But the sad and unfortunate truth is I DO have grey hair and I DON'T like it. It's so unfair. I am not ready to be old and grey. Dying my hair was a fashion statement and not because I was hiding my grey hair, but now I can either look old or pay out the nose for the rest of my life to hide the horrific truth. I'm getting older.
I'm just not ready for this. I know, I know, it's not that big of a deal. Everybody gets it...blah blah. But I'm haunted by all looming middle age. I reflect on a thought I had at 15. One of my friends' mother was 32!!! And she was OLD!!!!
As I approach 30, I am struck by my own mortality. I'm getting closer to the end of my child bearing days (35, thank you very much) and I need to think aobut having more. I always pictured myself with a lot of kids, but now I am *coughcough* 29 and not sure what I want to do. I dont' want to be a single mom, but if I don't start actively trying to get pregnant every time I see my husband....well, the time will fly and I will be out of luck. I don't even KNOW if I want more kids. I worry that I will get stressed out and be a bad mom (like my mother) I worry that I only want more kids because of the "mormon mom" image and that it's pressure I feel to compete with women at church. i worry that I will only have 2. What if we could have more kids and I wait to long and then can't have any??
I'm also more concerned over the health of my parents (actually, HW's....I like them the best so I think of them as "mine") I worry that THEY are growing older. I'm not ready to lose the family that I just gained. I'm not comfortable with the idea that time is against them. I watch the aging process in them and it scares me! I'm not ready to have THEM grow old.....and it reminds me that one day I am going to get old too. (not liking this idea)
Then it starts a loop of worry about my husband. Damn it. He isnt' allowed to die first. I can't face being old without him. (Make a note of the HW!) I don't worry about him dying in Iraq becuase that's not an option.....I just use up all my worry and frustration thinking about how I'm not ready to grow old or watch him get feeble and broke.
But there is the fact that we ARE getting old and broke. I have bad knees, a messed up shoulder, back and neck injuries (car wreck) that linger on. He is likely to get diabetes and both of us tend to get chubby when we stop working out. How much longer before I am so old and broke that I stop moving?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then I take a breath. I am ONLY 29. I am ONLY 29. I am ONLY 29. Life does not end at 30. Heck, that's not even middle age (if I'm lucky). Unfortunately, the first and last decades of life tend to be less fun than the middle decades........but I can do this. I can grow up, grow old even.
But I don't have to like it.