a place to put random discourses on life
ANY SUGGESTIONS!???
Published on March 18, 2007 By lifehappens In Writing
The confinement of the close set buildings and crowded shops opened into a busy plaza, bustling with energy and motion as tourists haggled with merchants and sought the perfect item to immortalize the visit. A plain, unadorned wall with a simple barred window drew my eye. The contrast between the hectic Sarajavo streets and this unassuming wall almost beckoned for me to draw near. I couldn’t resist the urge and found myself standing transfixed at the metal grate.
It felt as though I was in another world. The bustle of the city was silenced as I watched, not moving, almost not breathing. The sun was growing long in the sky and I could see the lines of afternoon shadow. They lengthened on the ground, extended from the edges of the protective wall to drape across the courtyard. The cobblestoned courtyard had a central, airy strucuture that appeared as though someone had placed giant fairy birdcage on a blue pedestal. The vibrantly colored tile was broken up by the simple faucets that ran the circumference of the building. The trickling sound of water, while the devoted washed their hands and feet, drifted lazily through the afternoon air as lightly as music. I could see across the courtyard to where people softly drifted in ones and twos, then lay prostrate and knelt, bowing to a god that I could not see. Yet, I could feel what was unseen. It was a tangible feeling of peace, of God.
The humble muttered prayers that echoed to my ears seemed so separate from the hurried pace of the market and the outside world. The heavy metal that blocked my view was no barrier to the sense of peace that was centered in this place. It was as though the prayers of the faithful drew this place closer to the heart of God and brought an otherworldly calm in the heart of a scarred and ravaged city. Even in a place so strange and separate from my own culture, God existed. He was there, with the same quiet, the same calm and joy.
A shock filled my soul as I was abruptly jerked from my thoughts. My friend had pulled me away to see a trinket that she wanted to buy, yet I could still feel the pull, the desire to return, to have the feeling of God again. So we left the nearly obscured window in the wall to wander the dimly lit alleys and find the one thing we thought we were looking for.

Comments
on Mar 18, 2007
The assignment was a descriptive essay 350-500 words. (not very long at all) Any suggestions?
on Mar 18, 2007
I'd suggest "God Among the Cobblestones". I'll have to think more on it, though, if you don't like that one.
on Mar 18, 2007
Please feel free to make grammatical suggestions and corrections as well.....
on Mar 18, 2007
Honestly, I don't see much that I would change in that department. I like the piece.
on Mar 18, 2007
I haven't read anything this beautiful in quite a while.

My offerings:

The Subliminal Sublime
The Divine Distraction
The Ineffable Space
on Mar 18, 2007
I don't have any suggestions either. For what my opinion is worth, I thought it was a well constructed and elegantly written piece.
on Mar 18, 2007
I may use...." The Truth Unseen". I'm concerned because i have to write an outline for the dang thing.....this whole English thing is BS.
on Mar 18, 2007
this whole English thing is BS.


Yes it is, particularly when it's possible that someone could read this beautiful description of a moment of sublime peace in the middle of chaos, and red-pen it for perceived grammatical imperfections. You don't need the validation of a college teacher to make you a good writer. you are already there. You rock, girl.
on Mar 18, 2007
. You don't need the validation of a college teacher to make you a good writer. you are already there. You rock, girl.


Agreed.

Don't let 'em "teach" the instinct out of you.

As for me, I'm being a snob and CLEP-ing out of Comp1, if I can. I don't see it being a problem.
on Mar 18, 2007
You don't need the validation of a college teacher to make you a good writer


No, but she does need it for a degree. On the flip side of that (and to support HW), whatever grade you get on this may not reflect upon its actual impact.

Minor comments: Sarajevo is the more common spelling (over 100k hits on Google; your spelling showed under 1k). Your instructor (I hesitate at the description of "Professor") may take some issue with the first person tense of the article, but I wouldn't sweat it nearly enough to endorse a rewrite. I understand that it's a personal experience, but that might not be what they were looking for. It's always hard to tell with online classes and it's harder to ask for clarification. You were consistent in keeping it in the past tense; that's good. I also don't see any glaring grammar issues. I assume that JU ate your paragraph indents.

Good job. And, more importantly, it's a beautiful piece. I doubt your classmates are in your league.
on Mar 19, 2007
As for me, I'm being a snob and CLEP-ing out of Comp1, if I can. I don't see it being a problem.


I'd CLEP out if I felt confident enough to remember the difference between a dangling participle and a ....what was that other thingy again?
on Mar 22, 2007
DANG!!!! I just received my draft back.....full of red marks.....sigh
on Mar 23, 2007
just received my draft back.....full of red marks.....sigh


and that usually makes for the best piece...