I finally did it.
I told my mother that she is no longer welcome in my home. There will be no phone calls, letters or other contact. .
I talked to my sister afterward and she gave me some interesting advice. She has a list she wrote at 16. Somewhere between a nervous breakdown and a hospital stay, she was crying about non other than good old mom. My dad suggested she write it down and get out all her pain and frustration. So she did and it helped. But now it's helped her again. Anytime she wonders if she should let Denise back into her life, she rereads the list. It transports her back to the intense feeling of desperation and terror that only mom could create. She suggested that I make a list of why my mother can never be allowed in my home again and keep it for the day my son graduates from high school or my daughter gets married.....for any time when I might relent and allow this woman back into my family's life.
Without going into too much detail, I will say this. She has more reason to dispise this woman than most people have against their worst enemy. There are no trivial things in our past. I don't think HW really understood how horrible my mother was until he saw the torment of my baby sister. He was ready to go into debt, fly cross country and kidnap her to protect her. If my father had not stepped in when he did, then I really think he would have done something drastic.
That being said, I don't know why I allowed her into my life again. I KNEW what she was like. I knew that she was manipulative and coniving. But maybe it was the birth of my son that softened my anger. I didn't want my kids to never know their grandmother....I think she made me feel guilty for depriving her of being a grandma. I dont' really remember. Anyway, I allowed her back into my life under a very strict set of rules.
She was not allowed to ever put me in the middle. No backbitting or snide comments about my dad (her ex). no sideways comments about my husband or siblings. No negativity. Period. We talked about the weather and my can can practice. Trivial stuff that you share with a stranger in an elevator. But it was my way of keeping her contained and still feeling as though I was fuffilling my commitment to honor my parents.
Slowly the two edged comments slid back in. The malicious gossip about her new husbands' ex wife. The gifts to take to my brother with a guilt ladden not.... i chose to ignore it. I chose to ignore it because it was easier to avoid. I don't want confrontation with the woman who can twist a steel bar with her acid words and manipulative tounge. *that sounded really bad, but I'm leaving it becuase I dont' want to think aobut it any more*
The breaking point was when she asked if she could "stay with me". Not a visit, mind you but moving in. She used every ounce of her manipulative, coniving skills to prove her point and then hung up before I could respond. (She first asked me to just listen to what she had to say and I keep my word) Anyway, there were two thoughts that ran through my head. 1, HELL NO! and 2, why does she suddenly want to talk about living with me? I won't commit to a visit, so where is this coming from?
The entire conversation, one sided though it was, felt creepy and weird. I knew something was up. Even for a lonely grandma (she won't let the kids call her that) she didn't quite hit the sanity button. She is married, battling for custody of his 3 kids from his ex-wife, quit (or lost?) her job so she would be a better looking "mom" to the judge and NOW she wants to drop it all to move to TX? What? He was kicking her out and she needed a place?
So I called my sister; her first thought was "divorce?", HW said the same thing. Heck, 3rd times the charm, right? So I called my dad and the first words out of his mouth were, "I wonder if she has nowhere to live?" So my sister called her stepdad (poor guy who was suckered, but a good guy nevertheless) and asked......
Sure enough, we were on target. She was threatening him with divorce to manipulate him. If she leaves, it's harder for him to prove he is a better parent than his ex becuase he got divorced again. If she leaves, he will be really broke paying 2 allimony checks out. Oh, and BTW she already arranged to go live with her daughter in TX>
WHAT THE #(*&@*)(%&@)*%&)*#@&%)(@*#&%)(#@&%@?????????? Now she isn't just trying to manipulate me, but she is using me to put pressure on her husband? She is using her grandchildren, MY KIDS to torture this man? She is not content with ruining 4 children, but she wants his too? and now MY BABIES?!?@? Oh HELL NO>
I may forgive her evil ways and have accepted the fact she is handicapped. She has no mothering skills and wouldn't know how to love anyone if God himself tried to help her. She is selfish and uncontrollably manipulative. It's just the way she is and I was willing to accept her and honor her by keeping her in her grandchildrens lives. I was willing to put up with her attacks on me and even the snide comments about the man I love.
BUT SHE WILL NOT HURT MY KIDS.
I told her that she had one chance and only one chance to listen to me. If she said no, then she would have no second chance. Her first interuption was to tell me that I only had 1/2 the story and would I give her a chance to explain. I said, NO. This is not a debate. I have made my choice, you can listen to why, or never understand. Interuption again. YES OR NO. Last chance. So she shut up.
I tried to explain that my kids are not a tool for her to use to control anyone. That was the breaking point. *Interuption again, but I reminded her....this is it.....she mostly shut up.*
I told her that I was not angry (I wasn't when I was on the phone, I was strangely calm) and that this decision was not made lightly. I regretted that it was this way, but that was it.
I tried to explain to her that I hope she seeks help. Her mother, aunts, uncles, father, brother, husband, 4 children have all disowned her at one point or another. (I was the only one to relent ) This is not fate or everyone against her, but a sign that she may need to look at her own life and find someone to help her. The entire time she was arguing and trying to interject her side. Finally, I realized she couldn't hear anything I was trying to say because she didn't want to. So I said, "goodbye" and hung up.
I immedately called my sister for some moral support. I couldn't bear to hear the phone ring back. But it never did. I think she realized I was serious. My only regret was that I was unable to get ahold of her current husband to warn him of the disaster that was going to meet him at home. I fear for him. I remember how bad my mother's wrath could be and I know he will be the brunt of it. But the fact of the matter is, even if she does take it out on him, I still think it was high time the bandaid was ripped off. Maybe now we can all heal and the scar will be faint. I hope he escapes her and who knows, maybe this will be his breaking point too. That may sound heartless, but my sympathy for him can't erase my need to protect my kids.
Julia and I talked about how this will sound to others. My mom was controlling. She made me clean. She was manipulative. The true horror is that this isn't typical documentable abuse. But it left scars on my entire family that haven't healed and probably never will. Maybe I will take up Julia's suggestion and document things to remind me of the truth when life gently erases the raw edges.