A vote for Monogomy

Published on August 2, 2006 By lifehappens In Current Events

Sally Jacobs wrote an interesting take on marriage and relationships. See here.Link She discussed Polymory (basically an "open relationship with no religious/legal bonds involved"

She said, "Two in five marriages here in the UK end in divorce. Infidelity is the cause of around a third of all marriage break-ups. Things aren't looking good for monogamy. "

My original reply:
If they are infaithful.....it isn't monogamy anymore, is it?

Baring your soul and bonding to another person is not a light affair. I can understand polygamy....all parties are initrinsicly bonded to one another. Polyamory is just a fancy name for " I don't want to commit". Cause face it, if they really did want a meaningful, permanent relationship....they would get married.

Polymory is one step lower on the commitment scale than Serial Monogamy. (ie: "I'm faithful to you. Now, I'm faithful and in love with him. Now I don't love him, but I love this guy.....")Anyone who tries to come up with a name for sleeping around to legitimize it, is only trying to fool themselves. It doesn't matter what you call it. The intent behind it isn't there.

And a Note on Divorce: Did you know that people who live together without making a permanent commitment first (IE: marriage) are more likely to get divorced within 2 years of marriage later on? Maybe this is because commitment, making a legal bond to back up a relationship's intent is not to be taken lightly. People who skip that step often claim they felt "trapped" after marrying later on.....probably because they never made the commitment. Subconciously you can look at a live in relationship as non-binding. Getting it official later takes away the loose and easy mentality they had previously....and then the marriage fails.

So, monogomy DOES work. Not for everyone because you have to want it. But nothing else can compare to what that can give you.

************************************************************

Okay, so why does everyone feel the need to redefine and adjust the standards of marriage. What was between one man and a woman (or in some cases, one man and several women) has everyone seeking alternatives.

No longer can something sanctioned by God. Instead it has become a legal contract, official not by religious belief, but by civil governments. And that leads us into the sticky waters of legal definitions. Nobody can bear the thought of someone having something they cannot. So we have groups pushing for gay marriage.

Even though the majority of Americans feels that 2 men or 2 women do not fit the requirements for "marriage", we still have the media and "public rights groups" pushing this into our faces. If you dare to disagree, you are "bigoted", "full of hatred", "intolerant" and "ignorent". Our children are encouraged to "accept everyone" and that it's wrong to hold others to our beliefs.

That's like saying, "I want to be a nun. Well, no, I'm not female. I'm not Catholic. Heck, I don't even believe in God. What?!?!? I don't qualify? Well, that's not fair! Change the rules. You are discriminating against me!"

Sigh.

And I am seeing this more and more. The newest wave of Marriage is .......da da da da.......an "open" marriage. Polymory, Swingers. Living together without being married. Marriage for the tax break and NOT living together.

By convincing the population that these alternatives to monogamous marriage are a good option, the line defining marriage grows fuzzy. This is exactly what liberal groups would have us believe. Then it's harder to say that marriage is a sacred bond. heck, it's just a good tax strategy. Kids? Commitment? Those are so old fashioned. Why even bother with a ceremony? It's really just a convienent way to save on rent. No point in thinking that it's special or that there is a reason for marriage.

Where do we draw the line? Should polymory become the new offical standard? That releases all parties of fidelity, commitment, honor. Then it's an easy step to abolishing the entire institution altogether. Then gays, NAMBLA, pet lovers, siblings, teachers and students can all join in the fun too!

Comments (Page 1)

lifehappens

on Aug 02, 2006

oh yeah, let's not forget that parental consent would disapear for kids....after all, it wouldn't be "marriage" anymore. Hey if a girl can get knocked up, get an abortion and not tell mom....why should a wedding be the exception?

Tova7

on Aug 02, 2006

I agree with you.

My question as a woman is this.

What is the physical difference between being a slut and being involved in polyamory?

Nothing I can see.

lifehappens

on Aug 02, 2006

What is the physical difference between being a slut and being involved in polyamory?Nothing I can see.

Oh, very good point. Thanks.

MasonM

on Aug 02, 2006

I'm all for polyamory as long as it's me with multiple partners and not her.

Locamama

on Aug 02, 2006

When I was in marriage counseling, our counselor said that you cannot have a good relationship if you are sleeping with other people even if you come to an agreement before hand to be swingers or have an open relationship. I agree with him.

lifehappens

on Aug 02, 2006

Amen.

Gideon MacLeish

on Aug 02, 2006

You pointed out my biggest beef with the Catholic church, lifehappens. The fact that they had a chance to make me pope and they did not (LOL!)

Now of course, I'm not Catholic, never have been Catholic, and have no intention to convert. But I look right smart in a miter, and that and my sincerity (and affinity for Popemobiles) should have been enough to suffice. Alas, the current leadership did not concur.

But I digress. Good article!

AngelaMarie88

on Aug 03, 2006

Fantastic. You're a deep thinker and you word it so well.

You taught me a new word too, "polyamory." I feel sorry for any children of such people. What a messed-up, foundationless life that would be.

Personally, for the sake of everyone remotely related & acquainted with me, I strive to shoo away all of my wayward imaginations...and just stick to the basic husband-wife-child(ren) lifestyle. That's really the way it's meant to be. We're seeing so many people who find it tempting to go way out of those boundaries to satisfy curiosities...only to learn the hard way how unstable and dissatisfying such lifestyles turn out to be.

Great article.

P.S. I used to wish there was some version of being a Nun in our church...well, maybe someone like Sheri Dew might fit such a description...always helping people, never getting married for whatever reason. But I couldn't hold out

OckhamsRazor

on Aug 03, 2006

Maybe I misread this, but it seems to be somewhat anti-polyamory. I'm not quite sure I understand why. If you don't want to be polyamorous, then don't be.

People have to live their own lives. They choose the clothes they wear and the food they eat. They choose their occupations and the cars they drive - the music they listen to and their favorite sports team. Why does how another person relates to other people factor in so heavily to our personal lives?

There are those people out there in polyamorous relationships that enjoy their very short lives living that way, so if you are going to naysay the way they choose to live, I have two questions:

1. Have you informed yourself about the subject in depth? It does not seem so. Here's a link-> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory. You'll find that for the truly polyamorous, there is more to it than being a slut. Granted, there are those out there that are sluts and write it off to being polyamorous, but by definition of the practice, they are posers.

2. Would you invite the polyamorous to come in and judge your life and choices?

In closing, I would like to point out that you can not make a commmitment for life because it implies taking an action *now* that extends into a future that doesn't exist yet. The future is a figment of your imagination. Every commitment you make is made one moment at a time. I think even the polyamorous would agree with that.

*If* this article is written from a Christian perspective, my apologies for commenting as your beliefs would then be clearly within that frame of reference, and I certainly wouldn't question your belief system. But if you strongly disagree with polyamory, I would recommend another big thing from that same frame of reference: forgiveness.

Ciao

Sally jacobs

on Aug 03, 2006

I have to say that I agree with you mostly, I think that you should be in a relationship with one person, and that is it. However, I think I could quite happily just live with someone and not actually get married. Does a piece of paper really make such a difference? If I make the decision to live with them, and live as a partnership, surely that should be enough?

lifehappens

on Aug 03, 2006

We're seeing so many people who find it tempting to go way out of those boundaries to satisfy curiosities...only to learn the hard way how unstable and dissatisfying such lifestyles turn out to be

And that is the problem. People demand the right to live however they want. They are disregarding the vast amounts of evidence showing that it is unstable, and eventually a failure.

Have you informed yourself about the subject in depth?

Yes, I've read up on it. I do not label all polymorous groups as "sluts". According the definition, it's the practice of being in more than one relationship, with the knowlege and consent of all partners.

So having a kid means that we want them now when they are a cute baby, but we can't commit to being there as they become a teen because it hasn't happened yet? HELLLOOOO! This is a very thinly veiled stand that allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions. It is pathetic and reprehensible that you have so little honor. When someone makes a commitment or gives their word, honor and integrity demand that it be upheld. unfortunately for you, the people in your life and those who come in contact with you.....it appears as if you have none.

And YES, id do invite others to investigate my life and choices. I stand my my decisions, I hold up to my mistakes and I accept my flaws. but I don't absolve myself of personal responsibility.

But if you strongly disagree with polyamory, I would recommend another big thing from that same frame of reference: forgiveness.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting or condoning something that I feel is wrong. There are no redeeming qualities in open relationships under any name. Marriage is between a man and woman for the express purose of joining together with the intent of forming a bond and raising children under that umbrella and shield. If you think any other relationship can best that, you are wrong. The intent of my article was not to stroke my ego for having a "christian belief". It comes from seeing the devistation that the alternative relationships are causing. Look at the stats. It does not hold that the more popular it is, the more correct it is. You want to sleep around? You want to avoid responsibility or commitment? Fine. But don't try to clean it up with a nice name.

And don't assume that becuase I believe something is wrong, I need to practice forgiveness. Who exactly to do you think should I forgive? This is a typical liberal attack, trying to impune my opinions and beliefs. I have done nothing wrong, I need no forgivenss granted to me for my thoughts and I can't possibly understand how there are people I need to forgive. Have you heard the phrase, love the sinner but hate the sin? Well, think about the fact, I did not attack anyone. I just pointed out that the concept, the system is flawed.
No forgiveness needed.

have to say that I agree with you mostly, I think that you should be in a relationship with one person, and that is it. However, I think I could quite happily just live with someone and not actually get married. Does a piece of paper really make such a difference? If I make the decision to live with them, and live as a partnership, surely that should be enough?

Thanks for inspiring me to joe. And to answer your question. Yes, a piece of paper does make a difference. Studies have proven that without a declaration of intent. A commitment being made, that there isn't one. Agreeing to live together is just that. The unspoken, even subconscious thought is, "If it doesnt' work out, I can just find a new roomate or move out." that is why people who get married AFTER living together have a greater chance of divorce. Suddenly they have given up the safety net, they feel trapped. The only difference was the piece of paper. They *could* get out of it, but suddenly it's a commitment that *forces* them to be together. The lost the appearance of choice.

You want a partnership? Form a company. You want a permanent relationship? Get hitched.

lifehappens

on Aug 03, 2006

I would like to point out that you can not make a commmitment for life because it implies taking an action *now* that extends into a future that doesn't exist yet. The future is a figment of your imagination. Every commitment you make is made one moment at a time. I think even the polyamorous would agree with that.So having a kid means that we want them now when they are a cute baby, but we can't commit to being there as they become a teen because it hasn't happened yet? HELLLOOOO! This is a very thinly veiled stand that allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions. It is pathetic and reprehensible that you have so little honor. When someone makes a commitment or gives their word, honor and integrity demand that it be upheld. unfortunately for you, the people in your life and those who come in contact with you.....it appears as if you have none.

Having thought on it a moment, I realized this. You are right. For you, there IS NO FUTURE. You choose not to commit, so the issue never comes up. You float through life avoiding anything that would infringe upon your ability to avoid responsibility. And therefore, you prove your theory. No commitment can last.

BlueDev

on Aug 03, 2006

LH: You rule.

I agree with you 100%. An "open" relationship that allows for infidelity is just that, a relationship without faith, in which no real trust can occur. It fractures families, lives and homes. All in the name of "freedom".

And, like you, I can, and most certainly do condemn the practice. I am sick to death of a society that seems to think that, if we take a stand on an issue (particularly a moral issue), we are evil because we are making a judgement. Clue to the clueless: we make judgments every day. I suppose some of us just have the spine to actually admit to it. There are things I believe are wrong, and no quantity of rhetoric will change that. That doesn't mean I hate, dislike, or even condemn someone who practices something I believe to be wrong, but it doesn't change the fact I believe it to be wrong.

Texas Wahine

on Aug 03, 2006

LifeHappens: I think your argument would be more compelling if you shared your sources.

You've stated repeatedly that polyamorous relationships are doomed to failure and that they cause all manner of heartache and problems, and have alluded to research confirming this. It would be helpful (to me anyway) to have some links/sources listed.

I would also like to know how the relationship choices of others negatively affect you/your relationship.

Would you mind elaborating in those two areas?

KarmaGirl

on Aug 03, 2006

Marriage for the tax break and NOT living together.

Tax break? Where? I pay more in taxes being married than when we were single and living together. Where is this tax break that you speak of?

I don't believe that you have to have a "religious" reason to have a monogamous relationship. I also don't believe that marriage itself is what binds you to a person. being "married" has not changed my commitment to my husband, it just changed my name. I'm committed to my husband because I only want to be with him, not because of some legal/religious/whatever bond that was made.

Why is there so much divorce? Because people are selfish animals. I'm not sure what will change that.

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