What do you say to the woman whose husband just died?

Published on April 22, 2006 By lifehappens In Blogging

Wednesday afternoon I found out that a girl I work with had just been notified that her husband was killed in Iraq. This is one of the sweetest, nicest people that you have ever met. She gave birth to thier son right befor her husband deployed.

And now he's gone.

This is actually the first time someone I know well has lost a husband. I've attended too many memorials, but they have been memebers of the unit that I didn't know. And I don't know what to say. I called and spoke to Tracy (the FRG leader who is screening her calls) and expressed my sympathy. I offered to help in any way I can, but they have not accepted an offer as of yet. Maybe I'll just bring some food by, but that seems a bit trite and more than just a bit sterotypical. And I dont' know what to bring.

I just found out that my boss has placed two journals out, one for employees and one for the memebers of her class. She is going to have us write something instead of trying to cram a million little names on a card. I had planned on sending a card on my own, but I've stalled for the same reason that I haven't stopped by work to sign the book.

I don't know what to say.

I'd rathar not make some trite remark about "I'm so sorry for your loss" "You are in my thoughts and prayers" While true, everyone says that and it makes the words sound meaningless.

I dont' want to say " I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. I can't imagine how you feel." BTW, that was my first thought, to be honest. But honestly, she doesn't care how I feel.....she is the one in pain.

I can't imagine what would bring me comfort if my husband should die. I dont' think anything could pull me back from the edge of dispair. Yeah, I know faith in God and all that. But if I think about her too much, my heart breaks. I cna't imagine how she must feel.

She has already had some people make VERY uncouth, EXTREMELY insensitive remarks. I'd be a bit on edge if I was her and possibly more aware of faux pax made by those around me. I am guilty of putting my foot in my mouth sometimes, so I want to be prepared when I see her at the memorial on Sunday. I don't want to stutter and stammer and possibly say something that could hurt her.

I thought about giving her a small gift. A semi-finished scrapbook. Pages are done and all she needs is to add some photos. I put words like "family" "love" "us together" etc on pages throughout the book. I wonder though if it will come across wrong. I would probably want to look at pictures of my husband.....but she may not be ready for something like that yet. I dont' know.

I guess what I'm asking for is advice. What do I say?

Comments

dharmagrl

on Apr 22, 2006

There aren't any appropriate words, D. There just aren't. So, tell her that. Tell her that you've racked your brains and can't come up with anything that accurately expresses the depth of your emotions. She'll understand, trust me.

Hug her. Instead of talking with your voice, talk with your body, Touch canexpress far more than words ever can.

Oh, and don't feel like you HAVE to say anything. Sometimes just touching or being with a person is enough.

Trudygolightly

on Apr 22, 2006

Those very words you feel are trite, are what gave me comfort when dad died. People coming over and just hugging me, words or not, helped.

Your idea for a "semi-finished scrapbook" is excellent. A dear friend of mine died in a horrific car accident in Oct. of 2002 and her brother had a memorial service and people that had photos of her contributed pix to make a wall-length collage.

If you find you can't say those words, just a comforting hug says it all.

Moderateman

on Apr 22, 2006

I totally agree with Dharma, very sound advice she gave.

lifehappens

on Apr 22, 2006

Thanks for the advice. I'm glad you saw it and commented.

I'm doing better now, but thinking about it too much makes it feel overwhelming. Mostly because I'm imagining how she must feel. I think you are right and I just needed to hear someone say it.

I'm glad you like the idea of a memory book. I wasn't sure if it was entirely appropriate.

ParaTed2k

on Apr 22, 2006

Carin' Karen comes through again on this one. You are right, the words expressed at this time usually come of as weak because, well, they are usually said in an attempt to "just say something".

So often we try to think of that one thing (said or done) that will make the difference in the lives of those who lost a loved one. The thing is, prayers, friendship, love and just being there for her are the only things anyone else can do for her. She has to work through this loss. Other wives in the unit, or others who have lost loved ones in war might have a little more insight, so those grieving usually find some comfort there, but in the end there really is no one else that can do it for her.

All to often it is our own heartache we are trying to throw off when we are expressing our condolenses. You noticed that too when you felt like everything that could be said started with "I". When you think of that one special thing to do for her, remember who you are there for. The scrapbook idea is excellent, especially if you have photos that include her or him. Give her the scrapbook, but use your own heart and knowledge of her to decide when to give her the pictures.

Above all, think to yourself, "what does she really need right now"... if you are the praying kind, pray for guidance about what she needs. If you can, show up ready to clean her home, mow her lawn, or other service to her. It sounds like she has an awesome support base (not many have friends so close that they are willing to screen calls and put up with the insensitive crap that all too often follows this kind of tragedy). If you know any of her support base personally, find out what she could really use, then show up with it or ready to do it...

Don't offer help... help. Don't be sorry for her, be there for her... Don't offer friendship and love... Be a friend and love her.

Remember also, almost everyone does recover from this kind of loss. She will most likely come through this and her life will go on. Being there for her will mean much more at that point than anything you said or did.

ParaTed2k

on Apr 22, 2006

One more thing...

Don't fall into the emotional trap of thinking "well, nothing I do will bring him back!"

I've never understood this concept, of course nothing will bring him back, and she doesn't need someone trying to do that... she needs to know that life will be ok without him.. and the only way she will realize that is for life to be ok without him... that is why time heals... because it shows us what we never imagined could be possible.

Gideon MacLeish

on Apr 22, 2006

I never know what to say either. I try to avoid funerals to keep from sticking my foot in my mouth. I would suggest, however, that some way of letting her know her husband won't be forgotten would be appropriate.

lifehappens

on Apr 22, 2006

Thanks for all the good suggestions and comments.

I guess part of why I feel at a loss is I'm not a close enough friend to be on the serious help side. I don't know her outside of work so I think i"m one of the people that the screener is there to filter out. I guess that no matter how much this hurts, I'm not someone who can make it better for her.

A stranger, even in the same unit isn't as hard because there is the annonymity of it all that is a buffer. A close friend, well, like parated said, I'd be able to DO something to support her. I'd be her friend and I'd know what to help with. (I hope) It's the awkwardness of knowing, but being far enough removed from the family. I'd hate to be the pushy person insisting on helping when I was causing more stress by being around.

She has family now. I'll give her a week while they are here and offer again. Maybe when I bring by the book. I don't have photos, but that's a strong link to memories that she could choose on her own.

Dr Guy

on Apr 22, 2006

As Ted Said, Carin Karen. But then Ted gives excellant advice as well. Between the 2, I dont think you can go wrong.

And bless you. It will not be easy for you either.

AngelaMarie88

on Apr 23, 2006

Everything that has been said here has hit the nail on the head. I couldn't have come up with anything better to say, nor would I try. I just want to comment because this made me tear up quite a bit. It hurts a lot to imagine what she must be going through...and I don't even know her.

Your scrapbook idea is definitely from the heart. Your timing in presenting it to her may or may not be relevant. If she's inundated with condolence gifts perhaps you might want to wait...but then again perhaps that might be the best time to present it to her since you are merely co-workers and acquaintances.

When it comes down to it she won't have a doubt in her mind that a ton of people care about her and are grieving with her. You're a great gal, D

Dick Gozinya

on Apr 24, 2006

You say (as trite as it sounds) I am sorry for your loss, please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything I can do.

And then don't wait for her to let you know what you can do, just pitch in and DO it. For instance, you can offer to send thank-you notes to those who have sent gifts and flowers, or if you attend the funeral, keep track of who sent what so she has one less thing to worry about.

Whatever you do, DON'T share stories of your own losses, or those of acquaintances. DON'T presume to "know how she feels." DON'T claim the person is "in a better place now" or is "out of their suffering."

And DON'T avoid the woman after all the funeral business is over and done with, for this is when it really sinks in. When all the well wishers and relatives have gone home, when all the busy work is over, and quiet returns to her life is when she will need you the most. Stay in touch with her, visit, and don't be afraid to talk about his death. It's not a taboo subject, yet many who grieve are made to feel this way, as if they should just forget it and move on.

It's going to be a LONG time before she's ready to do that, so let her know you're willing to listen if she needs to talk, and mean it.

Hope this helps.

Tova7

on Apr 24, 2006

Awesome advice and I agree.

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